In a hugely provocative turn, professional surfer “Baby” Dion Agius has been included in the vaunted ranks of celebrities who can do no sartorial wrong, including, but slightly limited to, Slash and the unfairly maligned Johnny Depp!

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OH MY GOD!

The idea of ​​a “safe space” or “positive space” came into vogue about a decade ago as marginalized people sought out nooks among the mainstream culture in colleges or the workplace where they could gossip without having fun. The concept quickly spread online and these “safe spaces” became ruthlessly guarded, with any opposition being put to the sword before it spread like a cancer.

Fortunately, the most marginalized groups, middle-aged white surfers, have seen the benefits of careful thought and are congregating on the safer space swellnet.com among other like-minded, like-believed people. , the same socio-economies and the same races.

Just as fortunately, an anonymous writer on the website penned an open letter from “God” to “devout Brazilian Catholic WCT surfers” decrying their behavior through the tried-and-tested club of undergraduate (private) liberal arts philosophy better served alongside a warm bed of early mushroom experimentation.

A sampling:

Don’t get me wrong, self-confident globetrotter, there’s some top notch advice in these books, we’re all fans of the parts of the Bible and Quran on decency, love and forgiveness etc., but there is no secret, exclusive moral code contained within that cannot be practiced using your basic secular common sense – treating others as you would like them to treat you, etc. It’s not rocket science.

But I get it, young Latino Firebrand with a sticker-laden surfboard, a lot of religious faith comes from perfectly understandable human traits, many of them very sweet. We love our family and friends, the grief we feel when they die is so acute and painful that we think heaven exists, so we can be comforted by imagining a heavenly reunion one day. And certainly, the idea of ​​an afterlife makes it easier for us to contemplate that frightening day when we too become a corpse. And so, throughout human history, clever cookies in search of power and social control have turned these two emotions – love and fear – into different versions of the same fantastical story – do what it takes and the reward of eternal life is yours, do wrong or be born into a pagan society, and hell awaits you. I will not underline the resemblance that such a hell bears with the terrestrial volcanic lava which inspired his imagination. And let’s not start with the silliness of different subsets of the same supposed faith turning on each other. (Could anything more clearly betray the human origins of religion? FFS)

So, for your sake and mine, let’s stop for a moment and think, together, about what you really say when you acknowledge me, say, for answering your prayers and sending you a victorious wave.

First. You like to testify to the power of prayer. It can work miracles! Infinite glory! Yes? Yes! You’re probably not oblivious to all the bullshit out there. You know the 80 million people in the world right now who have been forced to flee their homes, 25 million of whom are refugees. People trapped in lives of misery, boredom and danger, whose various prayers to various gods (humbly asking just to be able to live at home or otherwise) apparently go unanswered like yours. What are they doing wrong with that malarkey prayer you seem to be doing so well? Has your virtuosity on a wave somehow magnified your virtue of prayer and mysteriously unlocked a clear line of communication with the Divine?

Religion worked well when mankind started asking questions and understanding things. It was understandable that gods were invoked to make sense of floods and famines, natural phenomena, locusts and losses. It was – and still can be – a good set of training wheels for decency and charity.

Dear talented, hardworking and lucky athlete. You are not a bad person at all. You are awesome! You have good intentions, and of course you are welcome to reach out to Me at any time. But let’s keep these convos humble, and between us.

Etc.

Devout Brazilian Catholic surfers, let alone those on the World Championship Tour, have not, and never will be allowed to mingle with the swellnetters giving the “open letter” the exact kind of universal praise and applause it deserved.

Another sample of the comments:

Surfcarter: Seriously, this is the best common sense article ever written. Thank you for a long awaited and realistic explanation of every religion ever mentioned. and don’t get me wrong, everyone needs a little faith in something better than them, but it’s 2022 and people aren’t levitating to the skies, etc.

Fcalmon: It’s gold. The best article in history. Whoever wrote this (God?) is a fucking genius.

Andy-mac: Excellent article… Thank you sir, uh I mean God….

Memlasurf: OMJ this one was way overdue and brilliantly written. Take it for what it is, a great summary of religious beliefs and it’s just about “take not the name of the Lord in vain” or something like that. I think GOD is very busy in Ukraine right now and doesn’t care who wins a surf contest in the settlements (if you believe in the supernatural, which I don’t).

Etc.

Like a warm fluffy blanket fresh out of the dryer.

Like chocolate cookies, cold milk and a recap of the Longtom contest at the end of a long day.

Oh. Is Longtom on swellnet?

Shit.


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